Helper

Dear God,

I am really trying to focus on you.  But I need your help.

I think you know that lately I’m pretty distracted by this great desire for a companion, a partner… I hesitate to say it to you – a boyfriend.  While I think you get it, can totally understand – there’s that whole creating Eve thing – it feels really stupid to say it to you.  A boyfriend.  Doesn’t quite have the same effect as the Hebrew word used to describe Eve as a helper.

And it feels really insulting.  As in, why in the world do I feel like I need a companion, a partner, a helper, dare I say boyfriend (ew) when I have you?  Am I allowed to say I’m lonely?  Am I allowed to say sometimes I want to cuddle up at night?  Am I allowed to say I want someone to find me charming and funny and want to be around me all the time and hear my stories?  I think you are ok with that, and yet it feels weird because you know me better than anyone ever could – you made me with charms, you gave me my humor, and you are around me all the time and have written all the stories that came before me and speak the words of my story each day, mouthing them along with me as I go.

So be my helper, God.  Help me to be focused on you.  I have some pretty important papers to write in order to follow the path to ordination which you have laid out before me.  Help me to focus on you.  I can’t stand myself for all the ways I’ve wasted time tonight and so many other nights waiting to feel wanted.  Help me want you.  Help me be still and know that you are God, my rock and my redeemer, my very present help in times of trouble.  Help me be still.  Help me.  Help me.

Amen.

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